Transition

So Thanksgiving has come. And it has gone. And on black friday some people were trampled in wal*mart. And someone died.

Happy Holiday's

I would write more, possibly something cheerful, but I don't feel like it.

<3

“I love you.”
Not just words, they mean something. It is sound behind the emotion. It’s like laughing; you put it into context, so to speak. Love is something so real, it can be unbearable. It’s your heart. Not your heart-the-organ, your heart-the-essence. When you love somebody for real, your true love, they are your soul mate. Your other half, your one and only. This is about your heart-which-is-actually-not-a-heart-but-actually-a-soul. It’s painful. So good it hurts? Does it always hurt or just when you know it’s hopeless? Is it longing? There really are not any good words to describe the feeling except Love. Desire is close but too grabby. Lust is purely surface satisfaction. Longing is the hopelessness of love. Adore is a casual love that comes with a kiss on the hand. Worship is too much like begging for love in return.

I’ll figure it out more once I experience it in full.


Just something I thought about,
xxxx L

Mood Swings

I used to think the weather was bipolar. Now I realize that it is also the heat and air system in my house. I tend to label people (jokingly) as being bipolar. One minute they’re up, happy, teasing. Then you look again and...sad, grumpy, down. It was so weird to me that people could go from one extreme to another (with or without a mental illness) so quickly.

I experienced it, sort of, today...this evening. I was happy today, surprising myself and others I’m sure with my bounciness. At one point I got really silly, laughing at things that, thought not horrible, were not funny. I got very excited over ice cream (yay), and over ripping my CD’s (...) to my mp3 player (cheap, not iPod). And even when I was thinking about school, even doing some, I didn’t get down about it, like I usually do. And then I came back from cheerfully reading the assigned pages of my for-school novel and set up an appointment with my teacher. Okay, not quite as great as before, but still not bad. And then I IMed my sister for whatever reason and thus proceeded a guessing game. Me getting more and more pissed off by the moment and her (unconsciously egging me on) oblivious to how I felt about it. I told her I wasn’t in the mood, she told me to keep guessing. I wracked my brain; I had no clue what it could have been. None at all. She persuaded me (like she often does) to keep guessing, even after I had said “no”. I got very mad at her and told her so. She asked why I was mad at her. I rattled off a list of stuff that was bothering me, but hadn’t really realized it until that moment. She got defensive (naturally), and I ignored her. I sent an IM to another of my best friends (thank God for them) and calmed down and decided that I didn’t hate my sister completely. It wasn’t my sister that had made me angry; she had just sort of set it in motion. I mean yeah, it was incredibly frustrating, but I tend to bottle things up and try to ignore them. Which ends up with me getting upset over not-a-big-deal things.
But, back to the point, I was very cheerful today and then, in a matter of about, oh...15 minutes I was angry and crying (unfortunately yes). Sure, there is an explanation for my unhappiness, somewhat including my sister but not completely; mostly because of some lame things that have been bothering me for quite awhile. But it was weird, the way it happened. I guess you had to be there.

Anyways, so I calmed down and figured out how to solve the stuff that’s bugging me (mostly), and am now going to wash my face and read for a long time and not think.

xoxo –
L


PS. I sincerely hope I did not offend anybody with or knowing someone with bipolar disorder.

Newly Discovored

I have observed that these types of things (blog) are more exciting when they are new. More traffic, more posts, more interesting-things-to-say. This is likely to happen to me, I am very much one for "new". But who really knows. And who knows if I will ever have something "interesting" to say.
What is Interesting? According to Miriam-Webster it is exciting curiosity or attention. That seems about right, but it really could be anything. It all depends on who is judging what to be interesting.

But on another note, the World Wide Web is so much more intertwined (no pun intended) than I had ever begun to imagine. I know multiple people on blogspot (here!), myspace (here), deviantart (here), and facebook (here), which is actually a little odd. I had no idea that facebook was as popular as it is until I was told I had to join. I did know myspace was that popular. I did not know deviantart was as cool as it is. I had no idea that blogspot was like this. Yay.

I really have nothing else to say, just figured I would enlighten you all (...) with a bit of my thoughts.


Back to it then,
L

Musings

At night when I try and fall asleep, I find it nearly impossible to turn my brain off. The on/off switch has disappeared when I turn off the light. Yet in the middle of the day, when I am talking to friends or doing math, or just sometimes thinking about a song, I will completely zone out. Neither here nor there, in that place between awake and asleep. Between conscious and subconscious. I find myself in a different area, the walls of my bedroom have disappeared and I can barely feel them containing me. I am completely free of the bounds of gravity and am practically bouncing in all directions. I find that I can lose myself like this several times a day, totally and completely oblivious to my surroundings even as I am being spoken to.

On multiple occasions I become aware that I am not with the moment, but creating my own. It is best described as the sensation of realizing that you are dreaming; like pinching myself to see if I can feel it. Sometimes this pinching works all too well and I am pulled from my fantasy time. Jerked rudely away from my musings. Sometimes I bring this upon myself, and sometimes by someone else. Going into these daydreams is easy, like slipping into water. But it is always an unpleasant experience when I exit my surreal world. No matter how smooth the transition is, it will undoubtedly be bumpy. The middle part is probably best, before I realize what I’m doing and after I have left my conscious state of mind. My mind is free to go wherever it will, I can’t control it and I don’t want to. This is probably the closest I will ever get to flying. I have a very similar experience as I lie in bed and try and fall asleep at night, only much more active.

No matter how tired I am I always find myself thinking about the oddest things, sometimes not quite as pleasant. I try and stay focused on a singular topic, but my mind runs away from me. At such times I realize that I am letting my mind take control. Almost as soon as I close my book every night, my mind begins to whir, the cogs and gears coming up with things, and I just cannot stop them spinning. For awhile listening to music helped me to concentrate on one thing. The melody, the lyrics, the rhythm of the music. But after a few months the effect started wearing off. I was thinking around the music. Music that I knew by heart didn’t help because I would sing along or ignore it, and new music that I didn’t know so well made me pay too much attention to the music; tensing up, trying to catch every word.

I don’t know what gives me such tendencies, but I wish that it would become more constructive. Ideas building on each other, working toward a similar goal, instead of just absorbing everything from around me. Picking better times to space out. Falling asleep at night.

That's all for now.